Day 1 of many, many, many!

Hello everybody! Here I am … so … as you know (if you’ve read my previous posts) I decided to give the Fast Metabolism Diet by Haylie Pomroy a try! The Fast Metabolism Diet, as I probably already explained before, is a plan that consists of 3 phases that you have to repeat until you complete 28 days to heal your metabolism and in consequence reach your desired weight goal… of course if your metabolism is more damaged and/or have way more weight to lose then you just “rinse and repeat” pretty much… so you do the plan again for 28 more days and again and again if necessary…. So… having 28 days to go through was cool… you know? I like to set goals for myself, etc… But I guess I have other issues to deal with (like sabotaging myself and fear of success) … day 25 proved harder than I thought… being so close to day 28 added extra stress for me and it seemed (for some reason) unbearable! it was such a weird feeling “being so close” to the end of the 28 days made me feel so anxious and made it feel too far!!! Phase 2 is the hardest of the 3 phases and for me Phase 2 is always on Wednesdays and Thursdays … so … that Thursday I decided to just skip Phase 2 and move on to Phase 3 … So I pretty much didn’t finish strong, as Phases shouldn’t be skipped at all! I still lost 4 pounds on my 28 days which is not a lot by any sense of the imagination, especially on this plan where most people seem to just LITERALLY DROP the pounds right away! But for me is a huge accomplishment since the scale has been really mean to me for a long time no matter what I did… losing 4 pounds definitely means a lot and is a first step on the right direction… So… I decided to continue with the FMD until I reach my weight goals BUT this time I decided to forget about the “28 day” thing and just know that this is going to be a loooooong journey which I will only be able to go through ONE DAY AT A TIME…. So… I ripped my calendar and it feels good to not have a “set date” (for me) … I guess it’s all about finding out what works for yourself and having a specific date, for me, was too much pressure and added feelings of failure and disappointment to reach a date where I was supposed to lose up to 20 pounds and made my accomplishment look like “nothing”…

So… on other news and with a new found sense of accomplishment… I have decided to give myself some credit… Today I celebrate that “I am HERE!” 🙂 Many would’ve given up by now… and I’ve decided to celebrate the fact that I am not where I started 2 1/2 years ago! I’ve had bumps (big ones) on this road, I’ve shed pounds and I’ve shed tears (mostly tears than pounds) but I haven’t quit! I am still lighter than when I started… and still fighting…  I haven’t lost all hope and I know there’s no going back to “not caring” 🙂 I CARE! 😀

So… yes… 🙂 Lots to feel proud of 😀

The Thin Lady Inside

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I am a sore loser!

Hello everyone! Here I am … first let me wish you all a “Happy Valentine’s Day” … I am still thinking about healthy treats I can make for hubby so we can enjoy them together… I ordered my 100%birch (USA made) Xylitol yesterday on amazon… (xylitol is a natural sweetener that is plan approved and does not affect your glycemic index, there are two kinds… corn based which is GMO and birch which is good and the one that we will be using) so… anyway… I ordered it and I will be getting it in about 5-8 days… so… obviously I can’t use it to bake… Stevia has too much of a weird (and very bitter) aftertaste for me especially when baking so … I can’t think of anything else to make! We’ll see.

So… yes… I am a sore loser… it turns out that yesterday I got back on my rowing machine… it had been abandoned for a long time and yesterday started back at it… I could only manage 5 minutes! (INCREDIBLE! ONLY 5! I was up to 1 hour before!) but at least I am doing it again… I am soooo sore from just 5 minutes of rowing! This morning I hesitantly weighed myself just because I am weighing every week… I lost 3.1 pounds! it is awesome! I am so excited about it! Thank God!!! I hope everything will continue to go in the right direction… as you know I have gained almost 20 pounds of the 50 I had originally lost… I was sad to have reached 190 pounds again… and today I am 187! It’s a lot but I am going down… so I am happy to be a loser! AGAIN! I can keep losing like this every week! LOL! 🙂

So that’s it… I just wanted to share that with you… have to go because my breakfast is waiting for me!

The Thin Lady Inside

And then some more…

Hello friends! I read all of your comments to my previous post… thank you for supporting me on my highs and lows! You all rock!

So…. talking about highs (*rolling eyes*) turns out that when I weighed myself on Friday and was all bummed out (and wrote the previous post) I was tempted to eat a big thing of pasta with meat sauce I made… I decided I didn’t care anymore and then, when I served all that food on a plate… I realized it was stupid, crazy and senseless! So… if I gain one pound I am going to eat myself into oblivion just to make me gain more, feel horrible and get even further from my goal? NO!  I put the food away and ate none of it… felt awesome! Proud and happy for my decision! I went to bed pretty hungry I must say! LOL and then in the morning ran to the scale to weigh myself like if my “good action” could “magically” give me the results I expected and “miraculously” I would get the “reward” from it… So… imagine my “surprise” when I see the scale go up even HIGHER! I gained another 1.1 pounds… I blinked repeatedly like if I could make it all go away… like if somehow I could change things by blinking! When I stopped I actually laughed and carried on… didn’t let it bum me too much and it really helped that I went to church to focus on greater (and less carnal) things… At least this body is not eternal! 🙂 My spirit is… and lately I have been too concerned with what I eat or not eat… so much that I have been neglecting my spiritual feeding! I know that part of my obesity might be due to the stress I went through with my dad accompanied by the great amounts of food I ate while going through it… (horrible combination) and I know that I still have to watch what I eat, etc… but I need to quit letting it consume me because this “mindset” and emotional state will not help my weight loss efforts.

So… after church I went out for lunch and did great… I felt actually like some “weight” was lifted off of me… I came home, took a long nap and enjoyed the evening with my family afterwards… Today I weighed almost a pound less… and I laughed again… who cares? I keep doing this… I keep forgetting this is my lifestyle and there’s nothing that can bum me out enough to quit it!

Today I’ve been doing great and got out of my pj’s early! I was actually PUTTING ON my pj’s everyday after I showered! it was like my “outfit of choice” … I am making myself get into my jeans and look a bit better…

So… here I am … Thank you all for commenting!

The Thin Lady Inside

Got in my jeans and I’m going to the movies

Hello everybody… this is going to be a different post from my earlier one… If you’ve been reading you know that we’ve been sick, sick, sick… it pretty much started in September on our trip to Wisconsin, I came back sick as a dog… (that’s a funny American expression in my mind… is it a bad one? You’ll have to correct me if it is… I just use the expressions I hear… LOL! “sick as a dog” is a funny one… just like “pig in a blanket” as a breakfast item … when I was asked to bring “pigs in blankets” to a breakfast potluck in church I thought “wow, American people eat weird stuff! and they complain about us, Mexicans!” and then I pictured myself chasing a bunch of pigs trying to wrap them with blankets…  LOL)  Ok… that was a long parenthesis … I am a little random right now… too much caffeine? Maybe!

Anyway… So … I got sick in September, really sick… then hubby followed in October, then my oldest one, then my little one (bad ear infections, poor thing! Fever up to 104.5! Scary!) then I got sick, bad cold, then my little one got sick again, respiratory flu and then I got it… and that takes us to today… today I finally felt better except for some remaining congestion everything else was fine… I went grocery shopping but didn’t even shower… I was feeling totally in the dumps and terrified to even try to get dressed in “normal clothes” KNOWING in my mind I wouldn’t fit in there … not by any chance! So… my “dress style” kept getting worse and worse… raggedy clothes that I am embarrassed to admit I still keep… stained with bleach and all… that’s what I was wearing today… I was just feeling disgusted about myself… then, looking at myself in the mirror with my frizzy hair pointing at all directions, unplucked eyebrows and with red spots around my nose from blowing so often for so long… well… I still wonder how hubby still kissed me good bye every morning… (talk about being married to a godly man!) … But … I knew I was healthy enough to go to the store, so I did… praying to God that I wouldn’t see anybody who knew me and at the same time realizing they would probably not recognize me anyway. Then… I realized tonight is the Premiere for “Catching Fire” (the Hunger Games movie) and my ticket had already been bought a few days (weeks?) ago by my best friend… she called me to ask me if I am ok to go and I said yes (wondering if I could reverse some of the visible damage done to my image out of total neglect and abandonment!) So… just an hour ago I took a long shower, did everything needed to come back to the world where people change their clothes and brush their hair… And then… I started to look for my skinny jeans… even the name terrifies me… I remember buying them knowing that at least I am narrow and have long thin legs and we have to take advantage of our “better” attributes … so… I started to put them on… ready to start fighting, puffing, huffing and sweating… to finally cry in total devastation… But that didn’t happen… I just put them on like usual… I did my hair… my make up and I look… pretty! If I may say so myself! I even smiled like saying “hi! Where were you? I missed you” when I looked in the mirror. And I realize that I still have a long way to go with the way I see myself… with the way my brain makes me see myself… in my mind I was back to 223 pounds all over again… In my mind I had crossed a point of “no return”… In my mind I was the insecure, obese and LOST woman all over again… but I am not that… and I am not planning on getting there… I am wearing my skinny jeans and going to the movies… This was a great wake up call though… I felt strong and like “I got this” just recently… how could I get so far down in just a matter of days? I can’t be over confident… I have to be always watching it to identify the destructive behaviors that have damaged so much in the past.

So… I am going to the movies, the premiere is at midnight and I can’t wait. I look pretty, so pretty that I will pass on the popcorn and the soda. I deserve better.

I am the Thin Lady Inside.

Hanging in there

After the disappointment of my weight gain… followed by binging with Nutella and then having a hard time to get back on track and going over my “ideal calorie intake” for a few days I am going back to MY normal… running even more and eating great… I think that my few days of “freedom” (although they actually felt very “entrapping”) something might have kicked in that I actually lost some weight, not much, but I wasn’t expecting that…

Right now I am baking carrot cake for hubby. Baking , for me, is like “cheap” therapy… I enjoy it SO MUCH… I’d love to be able to eat what I bake but baking is “good enough” by itself.

Thanks for hanging in there with me and being patient with this me as I fluctuate more than my weight… I hope I’ll be running a 5k in November 10th… Looking forward to it.

The Thin Lady Inside

You can still do something…

Hello everybody, here I am, “interrupting” my vacation just to report how things are going

We are having a grand time! Enjoying visiting with family, friends and just loving the cooler weather in Wisconsin! tomorrow we will go apple picking, so I am excited! I love doing that! And hubby is planning on taking me to dinner on Thursday, just the two of us while the girls stay with their grandparents… we’ll go to a nice place where he took me on my first trip up to Wisconsin… “Beans&Barley”, it’s a “Deli, Market, Cafe” kind of place, very trendy, healthy and just … for me… well… romantic… because again, that was the first place where we went out on a date when I first visited from Mexico… so it will be a nice trip down memory road! right? 🙂 As you might now… our dates were always “e-mails and phone calls” because of the distance, and meeting in e-harmony… so… we DO REMEMBER and treasure each date we had in person back then! 🙂

So… I’ve been doing good with the eating… yesterday not so much… but I still didn’t go overboard… my worst sin was a sausage/cream cheese dip with tostitos! It was sooo good! but considering we are on vacation and we’ve been having family get togethers with all kinds of food I’ve been doing great, Saturday I ate 1350 calories, regardless of the party, regardless of the snacking, I filled myself with lots of water and veggies… I also went for a run around the area… it was such a gorgeous day and I burned plenty of calories! Yesterday was the hard one, as I said, but I still didn’t pass the 2000 calories (although, almost did!) and didn’t exercise! It was just busy from morning to night just eating and visiting with people … today I went for a walk with one of hubby’s aunts and his father’s wife… walked for an hour and burned a little over 400 calories with it! Ate about 1500 calories total!

So… I am definitely proving to myself you can still DO SOMETHING during vacation! I am very proud of myself because even during our road trip I did awesome… only drinking water and eating only what I needed, not what I wanted! Oh my goodness! That proved to be a big test and I am happy I passed it with an A+ ! Even hubby was shocked! we drove 24 “almost straight” hours (with stops just to eat and go to the bathroom and only once to sleep for an hour) and still… I stayed strong! Hubby kept stopping to buy candy bars, cheesy popcorn, snacks, soda, coffee, etc… and I still remained strong! Trust me… it wasn’t easy! I had doughnuts, cheetos and chocolate covered raisins in my mind! But only when we had to stop for a main meal I would eat… we had breakfast at Dennys and I only ate 2 pancakes without butter and just 1 tbsp. of maple syrup (less than 400 calories) and for lunch we had Subway… (light Ranch Dressing in a 6″ sub) … so… I am happy regardless of yesterday’s indulging!

Have to go now… my girls are giggling in the other room when they should be sleeping… it will be a busy day tomorrow!

Day 5 – 85 Days to go

Having a plan, whatever it is, but something that you have already determined in your mind that you will do really helps… at least that’s my case… Saying in advance that “I’ll do this” or ” I will not do that” helps me because I’ve already set clear expectations of what is going to happen and I can easily identify if I am doing something that will keep me from it… I t also helps me being so stubborn because… when I feel like doing what I said I wouldn’t do … or not doing what I said I would… there’s this thing inside of me… that says “hey, but you said something different” … anyway… knowing that I have already determined to “stay sober” for 90 days really helps… I can’t allow myself to “cheat” because then the “90 day goal would be further” (I would have to start all over again, because hey, even if I break this… at some point… it wouldn’t mean the war is over! Right?) So… I guess what I am trying to say is: “Yesterday was hard” and at some point I felt like forgetting about my goals and binging… I am glad I didn’t… it was hard and tears were shed… but I remained strong… the day could’ve gone better but I will not dwell on that… I still stayed in control when I actually felt like just giving in… So… I didn’t exercise twice… I only exercised in the morning… It started pouring while my friend and I were in our walk… So I say that my “treadmill included shower” LOL… So I took a picture of my “treadmill” (once the rain was over and I was headed back home)

IMG_7129[1]This is the area where we walk/run

So after my morning walk I headed home and that’s when the “temptations” started… I really felt the “need” to weigh myself… I soooo wanted to get on the scale and “see” if there’s any change, but I drank a lot of water to avoid that temptation thinking “now I can’t know for sure how much I exactly weigh” … still the need to “know” was present with me the whole day!

Later in the day I was just HUNGRY! Too hungry! I don’t even know why… but it wasn’t the normal “I am hungry, let’s eat an apple” it was a desperate, anxious “I am hungry I want to eat it all and not care about anything” so when I feel like that I KNOW, I JUST KNOW that it’s more emotional than physical and even if I ate something it just “wouldn’t go away” … at night, when I just “couldn’t take it anymore” I decided to have “chicken breast” for dinner… I felt it would be the more fulfilling option and least “sinful” option for me… So I ate chicken and drank water, I had some more chicken and avoided the rice! I did go over my 1200 calories for the day, I ended a little over 1400 but still had a good calorie deficit for the day! -whew- I feel like I dodged that bullet and even when not everything went as planned, it wasn’t a “train wreck” like it could’ve been! So…. struggling and all… I completed Day 5 of my 90 Day short term goal…

Yes… I am The Thin Lady Inside and I am a food addict… I’ve been sober for 5 days… And today… just for today… I’ll make all the right choices…. ONE DAY AT A TIME!

The Thin Lady Inside