Ice Cream Makes me hot

Hello everybody… well, here I am…. taking steps on my road to recovery… I feel like an addict that fell again and I am starting to count my days of renewed sobriety! It is hard though… I hate how quick the body gets used to “eating more/eating junk” Yesterday I still ate more calories than I had planned … I was just incredibly hungry all day… but at least I never gave in to the temptation of just “eat it all” but actually held myself together and would just try to kill the cravings with something healthy… I love the combination of fruit, strawberry yogurt, craisins and nuts… so I had that as “dessert” at the end of the day…

Today I weighed myself and it turns out that I weigh even more… so… let’s talk numbers even when I have refused to… I have to face it … I am now 186.5 pounds …. it feels horrible to see/say that number when I had already reached 172.3 pounds … but I am not going to “dwell in the past” or in the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve-s” and I’ll just continue to move on towards my goal. My goal for this month is to lose 10 pounds… we’ll see how that goes.

Something that is making it easier for me to go back to the good “path” is the fact that I am having trouble sleeping at night… the extra weight and having been eating so many high calorie foods makes me very uncomfortable and … hot! It’s like I am experiencing hot flashes! It is horrible… I find myself covering with a thin blanket in the night and keeping the fan (actually 2 fans) on at night because I get incredibly hot… and then I uncover myself completely because I am hot like a furnace… Then I fall asleep and get cold again so I cover myself and it turns out that just from the movement of covering myself I feel like this rush of flames from hell invade me from head to toes and I am burning again… This has been going on for about the last month… and I know it’s the weight increase and all the calories I’ve been eating that I don’t need! My last super high calorie food was 2 nights ago, when hubby, the girls and I went out for ice cream… we went to “Cold Stone” and I had a big thing of Dark Chocolate/Cheesecake Ice cream with toasted almonds! That night was near to impossible for me to sleep! So… my sleep deprivation and constant being “hot” while my family complains that the apartment is too cold and hubby would love to move out to another room because he can’t stand my fans at night… all that combined is definitely motivating me to go back to eating better/less and exercise again.

Today… will be another good day… an even better day than yesterday as I continue to bring my calorie intake down to the 1250-1400 range.

Before I stop writing though I would like to show off the cake I made for my littlest one… she turned 3 on December 29th and I made an “all strawberry” cake for her… no flavorings, no jell-o… all the strawberry flavor both in the cake and frosting came from real strawberries 🙂 it’s my first strawberry cake and she loved it! (unfortunately I loved it too and I ate all the leftover cream cheese/strawberry frosting by the spoonful)

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The Thin Lady Inside

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Got in my jeans and I’m going to the movies

Hello everybody… this is going to be a different post from my earlier one… If you’ve been reading you know that we’ve been sick, sick, sick… it pretty much started in September on our trip to Wisconsin, I came back sick as a dog… (that’s a funny American expression in my mind… is it a bad one? You’ll have to correct me if it is… I just use the expressions I hear… LOL! “sick as a dog” is a funny one… just like “pig in a blanket” as a breakfast item … when I was asked to bring “pigs in blankets” to a breakfast potluck in church I thought “wow, American people eat weird stuff! and they complain about us, Mexicans!” and then I pictured myself chasing a bunch of pigs trying to wrap them with blankets…  LOL)  Ok… that was a long parenthesis … I am a little random right now… too much caffeine? Maybe!

Anyway… So … I got sick in September, really sick… then hubby followed in October, then my oldest one, then my little one (bad ear infections, poor thing! Fever up to 104.5! Scary!) then I got sick, bad cold, then my little one got sick again, respiratory flu and then I got it… and that takes us to today… today I finally felt better except for some remaining congestion everything else was fine… I went grocery shopping but didn’t even shower… I was feeling totally in the dumps and terrified to even try to get dressed in “normal clothes” KNOWING in my mind I wouldn’t fit in there … not by any chance! So… my “dress style” kept getting worse and worse… raggedy clothes that I am embarrassed to admit I still keep… stained with bleach and all… that’s what I was wearing today… I was just feeling disgusted about myself… then, looking at myself in the mirror with my frizzy hair pointing at all directions, unplucked eyebrows and with red spots around my nose from blowing so often for so long… well… I still wonder how hubby still kissed me good bye every morning… (talk about being married to a godly man!) … But … I knew I was healthy enough to go to the store, so I did… praying to God that I wouldn’t see anybody who knew me and at the same time realizing they would probably not recognize me anyway. Then… I realized tonight is the Premiere for “Catching Fire” (the Hunger Games movie) and my ticket had already been bought a few days (weeks?) ago by my best friend… she called me to ask me if I am ok to go and I said yes (wondering if I could reverse some of the visible damage done to my image out of total neglect and abandonment!) So… just an hour ago I took a long shower, did everything needed to come back to the world where people change their clothes and brush their hair… And then… I started to look for my skinny jeans… even the name terrifies me… I remember buying them knowing that at least I am narrow and have long thin legs and we have to take advantage of our “better” attributes … so… I started to put them on… ready to start fighting, puffing, huffing and sweating… to finally cry in total devastation… But that didn’t happen… I just put them on like usual… I did my hair… my make up and I look… pretty! If I may say so myself! I even smiled like saying “hi! Where were you? I missed you” when I looked in the mirror. And I realize that I still have a long way to go with the way I see myself… with the way my brain makes me see myself… in my mind I was back to 223 pounds all over again… In my mind I had crossed a point of “no return”… In my mind I was the insecure, obese and LOST woman all over again… but I am not that… and I am not planning on getting there… I am wearing my skinny jeans and going to the movies… This was a great wake up call though… I felt strong and like “I got this” just recently… how could I get so far down in just a matter of days? I can’t be over confident… I have to be always watching it to identify the destructive behaviors that have damaged so much in the past.

So… I am going to the movies, the premiere is at midnight and I can’t wait. I look pretty, so pretty that I will pass on the popcorn and the soda. I deserve better.

I am the Thin Lady Inside.

Before things get completely out of control…

Ok… well… believe it or not…. Sickness refuses to leave my home… After my littlest one got better… she got sick again… First she had ear infections… later she had the respiratory flu… then I got it… and I am still sniffling here… I was so congested and just exhausted that I couldn’t even think of exercising… well… I must admit I considered it… so one night I got my clothes ready to go run in the morning of the next day… Of course I had no idea what I was talking about… in the morning I just managed to text my friend to cancel our run together… I was really, really sick…

So… for the first two or three weeks for disease here in our household I did pretty good all things considered… and then… all of a sudden… bad, bad old habits started to creep up… I blame it in part to the “not exercising” thing… Not that I can use it as an excuse but I do feel different when I don’t exercise and get my talk with my friend in the morning… the whole day feels “off” and at some point I just broke and haven’t been able to manage to get back in the groove of things… just today I had already eaten 1200 calories by 9 a.m. … my whole plan is to not eat ANYTHING else for the rest of the day… we’ll see how that goes!

So… before everything gets completely out of hand (I can already start to feel the emotional consequences of these days and the fears of being obese are overwhelming, devastating) I decided to vent here and try to gain control back…. some of it?

Thanks for reading… Thanks for your comments … if you read this… say something… I am needing a word… a kick on the butt? Something!?

The Thin Lady Inside

Hanging in there

After the disappointment of my weight gain… followed by binging with Nutella and then having a hard time to get back on track and going over my “ideal calorie intake” for a few days I am going back to MY normal… running even more and eating great… I think that my few days of “freedom” (although they actually felt very “entrapping”) something might have kicked in that I actually lost some weight, not much, but I wasn’t expecting that…

Right now I am baking carrot cake for hubby. Baking , for me, is like “cheap” therapy… I enjoy it SO MUCH… I’d love to be able to eat what I bake but baking is “good enough” by itself.

Thanks for hanging in there with me and being patient with this me as I fluctuate more than my weight… I hope I’ll be running a 5k in November 10th… Looking forward to it.

The Thin Lady Inside

What’s going on…

Hello peeps! We had a WONDERFUL, just wonderful time in Wisconsin… and I did pretty good with my eating and staying active… BUT… BUT…. yes… there’s a BUT… the return wasn’t that smooth… well… first of all… I got sick right the day before we started our trip back home… I completely lost my voice! That was the day I was going to have my “date” with hubby at the same restaurant when we first went on a date there… and… well… I couldn’t speak! I still didn’t want to let that ruin my time so I guess I was a “very good listener” LOL! although my throat was killing me!

I am so happy our first date was at a “Health Food place” because it’s easy to go there again and order good stuff… Here’s what I ate:

Tuna Melt with Alfalfa Sprouts and Indian Rice

Tuna Melt with Alfalfa Sprouts and Indian Rice

Then we went to our favorite coffee shop, the name of that place used to be “Alterra” but they sold the name to Mars Inc. so it’s now “Colectivo”. I still love the place!

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I had a “cortado” 1/2 espresso 1/2 milk foam and he had his usual strong black coffee

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“Alterra” (or Colectivo now) uses old historical buildings for their shops, this is in the old water pump building that used to supply water from Lake Michigan to the city of Milwaukee

So, date was “fine” and pretty silent… but it was nice to go to those places. Then, Friday we began our journey back home and for some reason… I just ate! It’s like I almost “ruined” the entire time of vacation that I did good… -sigh- back home I checked my weight and I gained 3 pounds (in those 2 days of traveling back) – I am going to blame it on the fact that it was too hard being silent… so… how else could I use my time on a road trip? well… I ate! Back home I have struggled to get back in line but I already lost some of the weight I gained… I am positive and setting new goals for myself… I am right now 176 pounds and I want to be in the 160’s by the end of the year (even if it’s 169.9 LOL!). It is also nice to get back into my routine of my morning walks as well!

My voice… well… it’s coming back (although still pretty raspy) but at least I feel much better.

That’s it for  now…

Thanks for being patient with me.

The Thin Lady Inside

You can still do something…

Hello everybody, here I am, “interrupting” my vacation just to report how things are going

We are having a grand time! Enjoying visiting with family, friends and just loving the cooler weather in Wisconsin! tomorrow we will go apple picking, so I am excited! I love doing that! And hubby is planning on taking me to dinner on Thursday, just the two of us while the girls stay with their grandparents… we’ll go to a nice place where he took me on my first trip up to Wisconsin… “Beans&Barley”, it’s a “Deli, Market, Cafe” kind of place, very trendy, healthy and just … for me… well… romantic… because again, that was the first place where we went out on a date when I first visited from Mexico… so it will be a nice trip down memory road! right? 🙂 As you might now… our dates were always “e-mails and phone calls” because of the distance, and meeting in e-harmony… so… we DO REMEMBER and treasure each date we had in person back then! 🙂

So… I’ve been doing good with the eating… yesterday not so much… but I still didn’t go overboard… my worst sin was a sausage/cream cheese dip with tostitos! It was sooo good! but considering we are on vacation and we’ve been having family get togethers with all kinds of food I’ve been doing great, Saturday I ate 1350 calories, regardless of the party, regardless of the snacking, I filled myself with lots of water and veggies… I also went for a run around the area… it was such a gorgeous day and I burned plenty of calories! Yesterday was the hard one, as I said, but I still didn’t pass the 2000 calories (although, almost did!) and didn’t exercise! It was just busy from morning to night just eating and visiting with people … today I went for a walk with one of hubby’s aunts and his father’s wife… walked for an hour and burned a little over 400 calories with it! Ate about 1500 calories total!

So… I am definitely proving to myself you can still DO SOMETHING during vacation! I am very proud of myself because even during our road trip I did awesome… only drinking water and eating only what I needed, not what I wanted! Oh my goodness! That proved to be a big test and I am happy I passed it with an A+ ! Even hubby was shocked! we drove 24 “almost straight” hours (with stops just to eat and go to the bathroom and only once to sleep for an hour) and still… I stayed strong! Hubby kept stopping to buy candy bars, cheesy popcorn, snacks, soda, coffee, etc… and I still remained strong! Trust me… it wasn’t easy! I had doughnuts, cheetos and chocolate covered raisins in my mind! But only when we had to stop for a main meal I would eat… we had breakfast at Dennys and I only ate 2 pancakes without butter and just 1 tbsp. of maple syrup (less than 400 calories) and for lunch we had Subway… (light Ranch Dressing in a 6″ sub) … so… I am happy regardless of yesterday’s indulging!

Have to go now… my girls are giggling in the other room when they should be sleeping… it will be a busy day tomorrow!

Ah! The struggle!

Today I struggled all morning long! It might even be funny to look at me… grabbing a cupcake and putting it down, grabbing something from the fridge and putting it back… opening my mouth to have something else to eat just to close it again while throwing the “thing” away from me while shaking my head repeatedly like if I had seen there was a worm or something horribly disgusting in it! And it’s just that I feel this crazy impulse to eat ‘WHATEVER’ and then my brain knows it’s wrong, my body knows it’s wrong and I end up acting just in time to reconsider and be a good girl no matter how strong the feeling  to eat might be!

I have noticed (or at least I think so) that not exercising like I was is part of what makes me more anxious… as you know I’ve been taking care of my friend’s dogs so instead of running I just hurry to feed them in the morning and then hubby hurries to feed them at night… which means, no time on my own without my little ones to go to the gym or go out and run…. So after a very hard morning I decided to do “something”, “anything” so I started to “walk in place” moving my arms like I am directing traffic or helping an airplane while landing… LOL! I did that for 45 minutes and I felt better right away… It must be something psychological, I don’t know… but I felt energized and more motivated to keep on going strong with my healthy eating… I can already feel this day will end great!

The Thin Lady Inside