Ice Cream Makes me hot

Hello everybody… well, here I am…. taking steps on my road to recovery… I feel like an addict that fell again and I am starting to count my days of renewed sobriety! It is hard though… I hate how quick the body gets used to “eating more/eating junk” Yesterday I still ate more calories than I had planned … I was just incredibly hungry all day… but at least I never gave in to the temptation of just “eat it all” but actually held myself together and would just try to kill the cravings with something healthy… I love the combination of fruit, strawberry yogurt, craisins and nuts… so I had that as “dessert” at the end of the day…

Today I weighed myself and it turns out that I weigh even more… so… let’s talk numbers even when I have refused to… I have to face it … I am now 186.5 pounds …. it feels horrible to see/say that number when I had already reached 172.3 pounds … but I am not going to “dwell in the past” or in the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve-s” and I’ll just continue to move on towards my goal. My goal for this month is to lose 10 pounds… we’ll see how that goes.

Something that is making it easier for me to go back to the good “path” is the fact that I am having trouble sleeping at night… the extra weight and having been eating so many high calorie foods makes me very uncomfortable and … hot! It’s like I am experiencing hot flashes! It is horrible… I find myself covering with a thin blanket in the night and keeping the fan (actually 2 fans) on at night because I get incredibly hot… and then I uncover myself completely because I am hot like a furnace… Then I fall asleep and get cold again so I cover myself and it turns out that just from the movement of covering myself I feel like this rush of flames from hell invade me from head to toes and I am burning again… This has been going on for about the last month… and I know it’s the weight increase and all the calories I’ve been eating that I don’t need! My last super high calorie food was 2 nights ago, when hubby, the girls and I went out for ice cream… we went to “Cold Stone” and I had a big thing of Dark Chocolate/Cheesecake Ice cream with toasted almonds! That night was near to impossible for me to sleep! So… my sleep deprivation and constant being “hot” while my family complains that the apartment is too cold and hubby would love to move out to another room because he can’t stand my fans at night… all that combined is definitely motivating me to go back to eating better/less and exercise again.

Today… will be another good day… an even better day than yesterday as I continue to bring my calorie intake down to the 1250-1400 range.

Before I stop writing though I would like to show off the cake I made for my littlest one… she turned 3 on December 29th and I made an “all strawberry” cake for her… no flavorings, no jell-o… all the strawberry flavor both in the cake and frosting came from real strawberries 🙂 it’s my first strawberry cake and she loved it! (unfortunately I loved it too and I ate all the leftover cream cheese/strawberry frosting by the spoonful)

IMG_9495 IMG_9471 IMG_9472 IMG_9496

The Thin Lady Inside

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Got in my jeans and I’m going to the movies

Hello everybody… this is going to be a different post from my earlier one… If you’ve been reading you know that we’ve been sick, sick, sick… it pretty much started in September on our trip to Wisconsin, I came back sick as a dog… (that’s a funny American expression in my mind… is it a bad one? You’ll have to correct me if it is… I just use the expressions I hear… LOL! “sick as a dog” is a funny one… just like “pig in a blanket” as a breakfast item … when I was asked to bring “pigs in blankets” to a breakfast potluck in church I thought “wow, American people eat weird stuff! and they complain about us, Mexicans!” and then I pictured myself chasing a bunch of pigs trying to wrap them with blankets…  LOL)  Ok… that was a long parenthesis … I am a little random right now… too much caffeine? Maybe!

Anyway… So … I got sick in September, really sick… then hubby followed in October, then my oldest one, then my little one (bad ear infections, poor thing! Fever up to 104.5! Scary!) then I got sick, bad cold, then my little one got sick again, respiratory flu and then I got it… and that takes us to today… today I finally felt better except for some remaining congestion everything else was fine… I went grocery shopping but didn’t even shower… I was feeling totally in the dumps and terrified to even try to get dressed in “normal clothes” KNOWING in my mind I wouldn’t fit in there … not by any chance! So… my “dress style” kept getting worse and worse… raggedy clothes that I am embarrassed to admit I still keep… stained with bleach and all… that’s what I was wearing today… I was just feeling disgusted about myself… then, looking at myself in the mirror with my frizzy hair pointing at all directions, unplucked eyebrows and with red spots around my nose from blowing so often for so long… well… I still wonder how hubby still kissed me good bye every morning… (talk about being married to a godly man!) … But … I knew I was healthy enough to go to the store, so I did… praying to God that I wouldn’t see anybody who knew me and at the same time realizing they would probably not recognize me anyway. Then… I realized tonight is the Premiere for “Catching Fire” (the Hunger Games movie) and my ticket had already been bought a few days (weeks?) ago by my best friend… she called me to ask me if I am ok to go and I said yes (wondering if I could reverse some of the visible damage done to my image out of total neglect and abandonment!) So… just an hour ago I took a long shower, did everything needed to come back to the world where people change their clothes and brush their hair… And then… I started to look for my skinny jeans… even the name terrifies me… I remember buying them knowing that at least I am narrow and have long thin legs and we have to take advantage of our “better” attributes … so… I started to put them on… ready to start fighting, puffing, huffing and sweating… to finally cry in total devastation… But that didn’t happen… I just put them on like usual… I did my hair… my make up and I look… pretty! If I may say so myself! I even smiled like saying “hi! Where were you? I missed you” when I looked in the mirror. And I realize that I still have a long way to go with the way I see myself… with the way my brain makes me see myself… in my mind I was back to 223 pounds all over again… In my mind I had crossed a point of “no return”… In my mind I was the insecure, obese and LOST woman all over again… but I am not that… and I am not planning on getting there… I am wearing my skinny jeans and going to the movies… This was a great wake up call though… I felt strong and like “I got this” just recently… how could I get so far down in just a matter of days? I can’t be over confident… I have to be always watching it to identify the destructive behaviors that have damaged so much in the past.

So… I am going to the movies, the premiere is at midnight and I can’t wait. I look pretty, so pretty that I will pass on the popcorn and the soda. I deserve better.

I am the Thin Lady Inside.

Day 11 – 79 to Go: Barely made it!

Hello everybody! Yesterday (Friday) was overall ok… My littlest one was still sick, nothing major she just has a cold and seems very clingy, whenever my kids get sick,even if just a little bit, I get very stressed out… stress… not a good thing for someone who is trying to keep food addiction controlled! I managed to do ok still during the day, watching what I ate, etc… then my friend (running pal) she finally returned from camp, I was very excited, making plans in my mind of my week ahead and things looked like this in my head: “walking everyday in the morning with her, running at night! Great!!” BUT, she told me she is leaving again for vacation, she is leaving today to a beach in Florida and will be gone all week with her family, so she needs someone to go take care of her dogs, twice a day, morning and evening, for the week… I am of course thrilled to help! She is my friend, she’s there for me all the time, it’s the least I can do for her… But… again… changing plans in my head isn’t a good thing either… Now… I am not looking forward to this week at all! It means in the morning I’ll have to go to her house to take care of her dogs, feed them, get them in the yard, make sure they have water and feed the fish, I am thinking I will have to do that before hubby goes to work that way I don’t have to get the girls out later (my friend left her daughter’s car with me because I don’t have one now). So, no going to the gym in the morning because I’ll use that time for the dogs…. I don’t want to take the girls with me later because (sorry if I sound crazy paranoid) but because they have a very nice house (my friends) and I am afraid someone could break in in the night and what if someone is there! I don’t know… the house is so big I get afraid of those things… I’ve heard there have been break-ins in that area lately… and I don’t want to go by myself with my little ones and expose us all to anything… PLUS, my girls are terrified of the dogs and being on my own with the girls hugging my legs screaming while I try to feed and give water to the dogs is honestly an almost impossible task! Last time the younger dog ran away from me and got out of the fence and also tangled the leash around my ankles because she’s full of energy and gets too excited to get out so… it’s a bunch of things that make it hard for me to think about taking the girls… anyway… then at night, I think hubby will have to be the one going to visit those dogs which means the time I use to exercise while he plays with the girls “is gone” for the week… I know it’s probably way worse in my mind than it actually will be in real life… I guess the worst thing is just the fact that I had already “planned out my week” *so perfect* and then everything changed… I know I will have to make it work and I will be fine… I guess it just wasn’t a good day to receive “the news” for me already… So… I was feeling anxious and feeling like eating! Then hubby came back with still plenty potato salad that I sent with him for the potluck… I love that stupid potato salad (LOL) so I just opened the bowl and started eating… I am so happy I stopped myself “on time” before ruining my whole day! I just put it away and in the fridge… I kept trying to open the fridge and then would just stop myself SEEING what I was doing!!! It was a struggle but I think I managed to get out of it! Unfortunately that potato salad has lots of potatoes (obviously), eggs, bacon and mayo (besides celery, parsley, red onions, apple cider vinegar and mustard), so 1 cup of that salad is plenty of calories!

Here’s how my day ended though:

Calories burned: 2157 (this has been my lowest since I started my 90 days)

Calorie intake: 1554 (this has been my highest since I started as well)

Calorie deficit: 603 -whew-

Yes… I am The Thin Lady Inside and I am a food addict… and I am struggling… I’ve been sober for 11 days (although I almost didn’t make it yesterday)… And today… just for today… I’ll make all the right choices…. ONE DAY AT A TIME!

The Thin Lady Inside

Day 10 -80 to go – Steps and Fries!

Hello! Good day everyone! Here I am to continue to write about my journey that started in January 2012, in the beginning my focus was only on losing weight… And I did… I lost 45 pounds but then got stuck… now that my body has refused to lose weight for over a year I have learned lots of things… and even when it would be nice to reach my “weight loss goals” and I still have hopes to do so… my focus is now on being healthy! I’m learning the importance of why I need to do this… I am not saying I “got it” … every day there’s a struggle… some days are harder than others… but I have come a long way… I couldn’t have gotten here without my husband who is so sweet and loves me no matter what… my girls who are a motivation just by “existing” … Just looking at their faces makes me want to do this even more, in the hopes of being healthy for many years and enjoy these years with them in an active way not passive! And my friends… both IRL and online! I am so blessed! My friends IRL don’t even know of this blog… but they do support me and encourage me… and online… well.. you are so special! You know who YOU are (Tiff, Shadow, Jackie,  Dave and THL – I miss ya – ) Thank you!

So… I hadn’t planned to start thanking but I guess I should always start that way! Because I know it would be WAY harder to finish every good day without you!

Yesterday was a good day…  It could’ve definitely been better but I think I did what I could with what I had… Hubby had a day off so we didn’t set any alarm for the morning, we never have that “luxury” since even on Sunday we are on the run with church… once we woke up the day was just really busy! Since the morning, going to the car dealership (I don’t have a car AGAIN!!! but that’s a very long story that includes not covered warranties and lots of bureaucracy, hopefully it will all be solved soon) so, car dealership (and you know that takes hours!!!) then did some grocery shopping at Sam’s… then unload everything in the house, we can’t take any time doing anything else with the groceries in the car with this heat… the heat index was 107 F!!! then it was past time for lunch (after 2 p.m.) so we headed to Chick-Fil-A, thank God for “good options” at restaurants! I had their Market Salad with Grilled Chicken for only 180 calories! But beware! This salad can be dangerous if you add all the “toppings” that they give you to add to it! I always check what’s there! Almonds and Walnuts, Granola and Dressing can take this salad to 460 calories in a second… which still isn’t a bad number at all for “eating out” but I just had to make sure I stayed away from those because I couldn’t afford all those calories, I only used 1/2 of the Fat Free Honey Mustard Dressing Packet they give you to add only 50 calories to the salad.

Then we headed to another grocery store to continue our shopping, and the girls took turns to go to the restroom so I had to go across the store at least 3 times (once for myself, once for the oldest, once for the littlest one!) when it was all done at about 5 p.m. I checked my fitbit and I was a bit disappointed I had only walked about 6000 steps for the whole day!

I still had to put some groceries away, feed hungry mouths, make a potluck dish for hubby (he specifically requested my potato salad which involves a lot of chopping) and make a test for some camo-cupcakes that someone ordered from me for next week… I had to do the test yesterday to make sure I had time to “make mistakes” since I’ve never made these before… that way I still have some days left to keep experimenting and/or buying any ingredient I don’t have… you should’ve seen me… running to put the girls in bed, putting groceries away, chopping stuff and whisking almost all at once! Even when I was whisking I was running in place trying to get more activity in!

When I finished with all that I was at almost 8000 steps but exhausted! I think I was exhausted mainly from the heat outside! It was brutal! Even the A/C in the car can’t keep up with it! It starts getting cool in the car when we’re already in our destination! The heat and humidity can really drain you out… It was by then 9 in the evening and I don’t go running on my own at 9! Not even to the gym  of the apartments (being that I’ve already been scared there as well) so I had to walk fast in place in front of the TV for 20 minutes to finally just collapse on the couch after having just completed my 10,000 steps for the day! I was disappointed but the day still ended good… Just from the extra activities my day ended like this:

Calorie intake: 1206

Calories burned (total): 2,280

Calorie deficit: 1,074

Once the show we were watching was over, I took a shower and headed to bed hoping to have a good night of rest, but that’s when my littlest one woke up crying and with a slight fever… she couldn’t sleep well the whole night and I had to keep observing her, she stayed with me in bed, poor hubby had to sleep on the couch… but it was necessary, she kept “twitching” and waking up all night… I think the heat got to her! she is still very little! I kept making sure all day long they drank water and stayed as “cool” as possible, but the drastic changes of temperature (from an oven outside to a freezer inside every store/restaurant) and just the heat when we get in the car… must have done it! Today we are laying it low and I even cancelled a playdate we had planned for today… I just want to let her rest and recover from yesterday. In the end she probably walked over 20,000 steps with her 2 yr. old legs (she never wants to sit in the little seat from the shopping cart)

So… that’s it for today… I was going to tell you about some Sweet Potato Fries I made on Monday and I keep forgetting about it… right now… well… it’s obvious I remembered but now I wrote too much and my littlest one needs me… So I guess I will share about that tomorrow!

Yes… I am The Thin Lady Inside and I am a food addict… I’ve been sober for 10 days… And today… just for today… I’ll make all the right choices…. ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Day 8 -82 to go: I just couldn’t!

Hello everybody! Here I am… to report, like everyday during these 90 day goal that I have set for myself, how I am doing… Yesterday (Tuesday) was supposed to be my “day of rest” just a day where I wouldn’t do my regular exercise because of something I read where you need to let you body rest for a day not only for the muscles to heal but also to keep the body from “adapting” it’s kind of a “reset button” thing… 🙂 … And I just couldn’t! I couldn’t not exercise! Without my morning walk I was all jittery all day long! It’s not like “I love exercising” … I feel like I haven’t gotten there yet… I always wonder if I ever will… So I was kind of looking forward to not doing a thing! LOL! But I couldn’t… You can still consider it my “day of rest” because I didn’t go to the gym and I didn’t run like I always do… But all day long I kept looking for ways to keep moving otherwise the energy was almost unbearable! LOL! So even while watching TV I would get my Wii Balance Board out and without even turning it on I used it as a “small step” and I did almost 13,000  steps during the day… I reached 6 miles… So… I feel like it was still good “rest” for my body from the High Impact exercises of the week but I didn’t just sit all day!

Then in the night I watched the “Extreme Weight Loss” show! WOW! That was amazing! The show was about this African American girl who talked about how in her culture it seems that in many families (not all)  “bigger is better” and “unhealthy is normal” … everybody in her family had weight issues and diabetes is seen as something you just “get” … they actually discouraged her to lose weight even when she was over 300 pounds…. but this girl was determined and she lost all the weight! Oh my goodness! Her personality was already like “the sun” but when she lost all the excess of weight … WOW! She gained extra confidence and showed the world who she truly is! I was telling my sister today (I already talked to her at 7:30 a.m.) that it’s almost like if they got psychological therapy! I mean the attitude and overall demeanor changes so much when the pounds are gone! But that’s what exercising and eating right does to you! Not only you lose weight! You prove yourself what you’re really made of and how strong you really are when you thought you weren’t! I love it! By the way… My sister (who I had already talked about before), she’s exercising everyday and eating right! I am so proud of her! I look forward to the day when she leaves me behind (being that I struggle so much being stuck in this weight) and that she loses even more weight than I have! She is proud of herself as well… and I can hear it in her voice… THIS IS IT! She is determined and tomorrow will be her first weigh-in (after 1 week) so I pray and hope the scale will be nice to her… still I hope she also remembers what I’ve failed to remember many times… the numbers on the scale don’t determine who I am or If I am being successful… Just the fact that we are doing THIS already makes us successful and says how strong we are! anyway… I am just happy… Well.. the thing is though… that I was going to go to the gym this morning but after my overly-energetic day yesterday I crashed! LOL! And I couldn’t even get up from bed at 6 but it will still be an active day and I hope I will be able to squeeze a run in my busy schedule ahead of me.

Yes… I am The Thin Lady Inside and I am a food addict… I’ve been sober for 8 days… And today… just for today… I’ll make all the right choices…. ONE DAY AT A TIME!

The Thin Lady Inside

Day 7 – 83 to go: No running pal!

Hello everybody… Here I am to report how yesterday went! It was the 7th day of this 90 day program that I’ve made for myself in hopes of “shocking my body” and hopefully seeing some difference… The “rules” for these 90 Days are:

1. No scale

2. Exercising consistently – no excuses – (I was already doing that, I am just trying to do it twice a day now instead of only once) – except for one day of rest in the week –

3. Staying at 1200-1400 calories (trying to hit the 1200 rather than the 1400)

If you’ve been following this blog you know I haven’t lost weight for a long year (a little more than that) regardless of the fact that I SHOULD be losing because I always have a calorie deficit… BUT after I found out that I have some issues (not major) with my thyroid, etc… I realized getting rid of the rest would be harder than I thought… And the problem I was running into was that I was eating more than 1200 calories every day… and then I would get discouraged because I wouldn’t see any change on the scale and I would just go into BINGING mode…  so I am sure that wasn’t helping my “weight loss efforts” particularly with the slower metabolism I have … I can’t afford those days of discouragement and excuses! So… I decided to do this for 90 days, as strictly as I can and without looking at the numbers on a scale! Those just bring me down! And hopefully, after these 90 days… I will see even if at least a little bit of change… or even if just more strength to keep going!

So… Yesterday was my 7th day… My running pal is on a summer camp right now (watching after middle schoolers) so I am on my own this week… Our morning walks are suspended for the week just because it’s too dark outside for me to go on my own (we have had several “scares” the two of us together so I can’t risk it on my own). I will be going to the gym in the mornings instead for my walk … yesterday, I just couldn’t get up to go to the gym in the morning though… I went to bed at 12:30 a.m. and then my girl (4 yr. old) was coughing at night and ended up sleeping by me so in the morning I came back to consciousness at 8:30 a.m. when hubby had already left for work) But at night I went to the gym when he arrived and I ran for an hour on the treadmill… It felt intense but it was really good! I burned over 700 calories there. I had to make some adjustments with my eating and skim my nightly ice cream treat because I used all of my calories during the day… I was just hungry! And that’s what I’ve noticed about not exercising in the morning, it makes it harder for me to stay in control with the food during the day (weird!) So I ate 1400 calories and burned a total of 2500 calories, giving me a calorie deficit of 1100 for the day! Which is good (but I always want MORE!).

It was a good day overall… Let’s see how it goes today… Tuesdays are my day to rest and I won’t be running… I will have to keep my calories down today… I am looking forward to watching “Extreme Weight Loss” tonight! It’s always a great motivator!

Yes… I am The Thin Lady Inside and I am a food addict… I’ve been sober for 7 days… And today… just for today… I’ll make all the right choices…. ONE DAY AT A TIME!

The Thin Lady Inside

Day 5 – 85 Days to go

Having a plan, whatever it is, but something that you have already determined in your mind that you will do really helps… at least that’s my case… Saying in advance that “I’ll do this” or ” I will not do that” helps me because I’ve already set clear expectations of what is going to happen and I can easily identify if I am doing something that will keep me from it… I t also helps me being so stubborn because… when I feel like doing what I said I wouldn’t do … or not doing what I said I would… there’s this thing inside of me… that says “hey, but you said something different” … anyway… knowing that I have already determined to “stay sober” for 90 days really helps… I can’t allow myself to “cheat” because then the “90 day goal would be further” (I would have to start all over again, because hey, even if I break this… at some point… it wouldn’t mean the war is over! Right?) So… I guess what I am trying to say is: “Yesterday was hard” and at some point I felt like forgetting about my goals and binging… I am glad I didn’t… it was hard and tears were shed… but I remained strong… the day could’ve gone better but I will not dwell on that… I still stayed in control when I actually felt like just giving in… So… I didn’t exercise twice… I only exercised in the morning… It started pouring while my friend and I were in our walk… So I say that my “treadmill included shower” LOL… So I took a picture of my “treadmill” (once the rain was over and I was headed back home)

IMG_7129[1]This is the area where we walk/run

So after my morning walk I headed home and that’s when the “temptations” started… I really felt the “need” to weigh myself… I soooo wanted to get on the scale and “see” if there’s any change, but I drank a lot of water to avoid that temptation thinking “now I can’t know for sure how much I exactly weigh” … still the need to “know” was present with me the whole day!

Later in the day I was just HUNGRY! Too hungry! I don’t even know why… but it wasn’t the normal “I am hungry, let’s eat an apple” it was a desperate, anxious “I am hungry I want to eat it all and not care about anything” so when I feel like that I KNOW, I JUST KNOW that it’s more emotional than physical and even if I ate something it just “wouldn’t go away” … at night, when I just “couldn’t take it anymore” I decided to have “chicken breast” for dinner… I felt it would be the more fulfilling option and least “sinful” option for me… So I ate chicken and drank water, I had some more chicken and avoided the rice! I did go over my 1200 calories for the day, I ended a little over 1400 but still had a good calorie deficit for the day! -whew- I feel like I dodged that bullet and even when not everything went as planned, it wasn’t a “train wreck” like it could’ve been! So…. struggling and all… I completed Day 5 of my 90 Day short term goal…

Yes… I am The Thin Lady Inside and I am a food addict… I’ve been sober for 5 days… And today… just for today… I’ll make all the right choices…. ONE DAY AT A TIME!

The Thin Lady Inside