Hanging in there

After the disappointment of my weight gain… followed by binging with Nutella and then having a hard time to get back on track and going over my “ideal calorie intake” for a few days I am going back to MY normal… running even more and eating great… I think that my few days of “freedom” (although they actually felt very “entrapping”) something might have kicked in that I actually lost some weight, not much, but I wasn’t expecting that…

Right now I am baking carrot cake for hubby. Baking , for me, is like “cheap” therapy… I enjoy it SO MUCH… I’d love to be able to eat what I bake but baking is “good enough” by itself.

Thanks for hanging in there with me and being patient with this me as I fluctuate more than my weight… I hope I’ll be running a 5k in November 10th… Looking forward to it.

The Thin Lady Inside

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An unexpected reminder and push!

Hello everybody! Yesterday was a so so day… I fought all day long against temptation but when you are getting out of a deep hole is kind of hard to not slide back here and there… that’s the main problem when you allow yourself to have “bad days” … it turns out that it’s harder to go back to your healthy habits… hard but not impossible… anyway… in the evening we had the Choir Kick-Off at church (Choir was off for a month this summer, just to “rest”) and yesterday was our “kick-off party” this is the time when we receive new people into the choir and of course it’s a great opportunity to celebrate… and it seems we can’t celebrate anything without eating… the theme of the party was “Duck Dynasty” … I know, weird! It’s a church… I truly felt like we are in the “End of times” to be celebrating IN a church “Duck Dynasty Style” but… it was better than I thought… I have never liked that show but it seems that here in the South is particularly popular, a friend of mine told me that for many people here is almost like a Family Reunion… lol! I guess that’s why I can’t relate… I know nothing (or want to know) about hunting, etc (but our Worship Pastor knows about that and he came totally in style, Duck Dynasty Style with a whole mop as a beard!!!) …  as I was looking online about the characters they are surprisingly pleasant (not so much in the show but in interviews) … Anyway… so there was a lot of food… bbq’d chicken, meatballs, chips, dips, lots of melted cheese and … camo cupcakes with neon orange frosting… yes… I made those! Let me show you:

IMG_7243 IMG_7245 IMG_7295

Well, you get the idea, lots of food! And I was doing “ok” but ended up not being so ok… I started eating the “simmered frog legs” (they had those name tags by the food, of course it was chicken LOL) and all the chips and stuff… When all of a sudden… the worship ministry assistant came by me and put in my hands something… something I had ordered a while ago and didn’t remember about it… a “Choir Polo Shirt” … size… Medium! I am large and sometimes extra large when it comes to shirts! and the food just got stuck in my throat when I saw it! I remember when I ordered it I thought I’d be “at least” medium by now… but that’s not the case… and that’s never going to be the case if I keep having “bad days” and “slide backs” I just gave her a half smile while wiping the barbeque sauce from my mouth with a napkin …

Now… that was a great reminder… and a great motivation as well… It felt like a bucket of icy water that was thrown at me without me expecting it but I think it was the extra push I was needing… Today I got on the scale just to see where I am at and move on (I had to do this because sometimes in my head I am back at 222.8 and even more when I feel guilty for overeating) so I had to “see the truth” (182.0),  realize it’s not impossible (it never is… no matter what the number is) and keep on going… I feel extra determined today… It will have to be a good day!

By the way… just a quick update on my sister… she is doing great… it’s been exactly two weeks since she started… today she had her weigh in and she lost 2.6 pounds. I am very proud of her.

The Thin Lady Inside

Day 11 – 79 to Go: Barely made it!

Hello everybody! Yesterday (Friday) was overall ok… My littlest one was still sick, nothing major she just has a cold and seems very clingy, whenever my kids get sick,even if just a little bit, I get very stressed out… stress… not a good thing for someone who is trying to keep food addiction controlled! I managed to do ok still during the day, watching what I ate, etc… then my friend (running pal) she finally returned from camp, I was very excited, making plans in my mind of my week ahead and things looked like this in my head: “walking everyday in the morning with her, running at night! Great!!” BUT, she told me she is leaving again for vacation, she is leaving today to a beach in Florida and will be gone all week with her family, so she needs someone to go take care of her dogs, twice a day, morning and evening, for the week… I am of course thrilled to help! She is my friend, she’s there for me all the time, it’s the least I can do for her… But… again… changing plans in my head isn’t a good thing either… Now… I am not looking forward to this week at all! It means in the morning I’ll have to go to her house to take care of her dogs, feed them, get them in the yard, make sure they have water and feed the fish, I am thinking I will have to do that before hubby goes to work that way I don’t have to get the girls out later (my friend left her daughter’s car with me because I don’t have one now). So, no going to the gym in the morning because I’ll use that time for the dogs…. I don’t want to take the girls with me later because (sorry if I sound crazy paranoid) but because they have a very nice house (my friends) and I am afraid someone could break in in the night and what if someone is there! I don’t know… the house is so big I get afraid of those things… I’ve heard there have been break-ins in that area lately… and I don’t want to go by myself with my little ones and expose us all to anything… PLUS, my girls are terrified of the dogs and being on my own with the girls hugging my legs screaming while I try to feed and give water to the dogs is honestly an almost impossible task! Last time the younger dog ran away from me and got out of the fence and also tangled the leash around my ankles because she’s full of energy and gets too excited to get out so… it’s a bunch of things that make it hard for me to think about taking the girls… anyway… then at night, I think hubby will have to be the one going to visit those dogs which means the time I use to exercise while he plays with the girls “is gone” for the week… I know it’s probably way worse in my mind than it actually will be in real life… I guess the worst thing is just the fact that I had already “planned out my week” *so perfect* and then everything changed… I know I will have to make it work and I will be fine… I guess it just wasn’t a good day to receive “the news” for me already… So… I was feeling anxious and feeling like eating! Then hubby came back with still plenty potato salad that I sent with him for the potluck… I love that stupid potato salad (LOL) so I just opened the bowl and started eating… I am so happy I stopped myself “on time” before ruining my whole day! I just put it away and in the fridge… I kept trying to open the fridge and then would just stop myself SEEING what I was doing!!! It was a struggle but I think I managed to get out of it! Unfortunately that potato salad has lots of potatoes (obviously), eggs, bacon and mayo (besides celery, parsley, red onions, apple cider vinegar and mustard), so 1 cup of that salad is plenty of calories!

Here’s how my day ended though:

Calories burned: 2157 (this has been my lowest since I started my 90 days)

Calorie intake: 1554 (this has been my highest since I started as well)

Calorie deficit: 603 -whew-

Yes… I am The Thin Lady Inside and I am a food addict… and I am struggling… I’ve been sober for 11 days (although I almost didn’t make it yesterday)… And today… just for today… I’ll make all the right choices…. ONE DAY AT A TIME!

The Thin Lady Inside

Over 2500

Yes… over 2500 calories! That’s how much I ate today… I feel sick to my stomach! Why in the world did I do that? Just a hard day… Tomorrow… There’s new mercy for me… Tomorrow… will be a clean page and a great opportunity to write something better! I’ll be here tomorrow reporting a successful day!

The Thin Lady Inside

I’ve been avoiding this…

The following post is probably a big, incoherent rant…. So….

*** Readers’ Discretion is Advised ***

Ok… -sigh- I am in a pit… In a dark hole right now.. Probably it’s the hardest moment of my whole journey and I don’t even completely understand WHY!

I don’t know what happened… I don’t know how it started… I’ve been meaning to write about it here, to vent, to just try to express it all… with the hopes of making some sense of it and hopefully, once everything is out there I can actually move on…

About 2 weeks ago, I set a new goal for myself… I “reached” my goal of losing 3 pounds in a month, I know it’s not a lot, but those are my “realistic” goals, considering the thyroid issues… The day after I set my new goal I had already gained some of the weight back… I took it calmly, I knew it could happen, with a crazy thyroid it can happen… Then… my girls got sick…. going out for a run at 5 in the morning was impossible when you have two girls crying and one of them is sleeping on top of you to get some comfort from the sniffles, etc… So I guess I lost some steam there, then I got sick and even when I wanted to still go run I just couldn’t… it was too much… I think it was more of a sinus infection, I am not sure, but the headaches and pressure right between my eyes and lack of breath were horrible, so there goes some more steam, then once I felt better I actually had THE URGE to run… so I did… my friend and I went back to our morning routine and it felt great to be back… I didn’t gain any additional weight when I didn’t exercise, I was still watching closely what I ate and the calorie numbers… but then my family came to visit… My mom and sister are obese as I used to be… and I don’t know what happened but something snapped in my trying to encourage and motivate (mainly my sister) to lose weight and exercise… it’s like I was drained… how can that be? I guess I am still in no position to encourage anybody… who knows… 4th of July was my dad’s birthday and I made a cake for him… if you had seen me you would’ve been proud… I didn’t have cake… I watched closely what I ate and regardless of how late I went to bed I still went running in the morning… And then… I saw the scale say +1.3 pounds and then I saw it say +2.2 pounds… and I think the whole overwhelming feeling of trying to convince my sister to lose weight, the “empathy” I felt, the putting myself in her shoes and even going “there” to talk about the horrible emotions of helplessness when you are obese and not seeing a way out… combined with the numbers on my scale saying I had gained weight regardless of all my efforts… brought me here… to the hole! It’s been 3 days … 3 days!!! I start my day right, I eat what I should and by the end of my day I’ve eaten like I had been rescued from a desert island! -sigh-

It’s so frustrating! I know it’s all in my head… and I need to shake it all off… but I guess in my head I am still obese.. super obese… because as soon as I eat “something” I shouldn’t or more than I should… I go THERE… in my mind and even on the mirror I can’t help but see a frustrated, defeated, huge human being that just CAN’T do anything about it! And I know that’s not really who I am … and I know that even my eyes are playing tricks on me because I am still far from being as obese as I was… I now should know, my eyes, my mind should know that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for… that I can overcome this and more!

Anyway… Today I called my sister, who, seemed determined to “change her life” … I just “almost without any strength left in me” asked a shy “have you exercised, yet” and she gave me some excuses… I couldn’t even say anything else, I wasn’t going to even try… I realize the best way I can help her is doing it myself… I can’t convince her or force her into something that is so personal, the decision to BE FREE is individual and yes… sometimes we need help but we need to WANT IT and WANT IT BAD…

Today… Today will be different… I have to keep going.. no matter how far my goal seems I KNOW I CAN! I am thankful for the nudge I got via e-mail from my friend and mentor ShadowRun…. I was already planning on writing here… I just didn’t know where to start… her e-mail just “made it happen” and for her, being there for me, putting up with me regardless of my ups and downs, I am THANKFUL! – Thank you all for reading… Thank you for being friends, support, encouragement…

The Thin Lady Inside.

So much for “still excited”

-sigh-

-sigh again-

Today was “weigh in day” and I weighed 179 lbs… again??? REally? I mean… I did eat that pizza on Saturday… but gain about 3 pounds from last week? it’s just insane! I hate it! I am doing stuff! I am tired of not being able to get out of this thing!

I thought I would handle “the news” well but I ate and ate… today… again… out of spite! And who am I hurting? well… myself… I know it… I don’t plan on staying like this… I am actually going to run tomorrow morning with my friend… but really? REALLY? -sigh- I hate not being able to lose more! It seems impossible…

The Desperate Lady

Pizza and stuff!

Hello everybody! Well… Saturday wasn’t a great day… I had pizza, pizza and more pizza! LOL! … I was going to abstain myself from it but I just saw it and UGH! ate lots of it… I also had ice cream and some chips, lots of them… ehem… so… that was Saturday… But… on Saturday I also got my fitbit zip … I didn’t get the FitBit One which is better and like the “upgrade” just because it is considerably more expensive and the main difference between the two is that it tracks my sleep… I don’t need any device to tell me that I wake up too many times to check on my daughters and to go to the bathroom! LOL! I know that by myself! So … unfortunately my fitbit isn’t working that great, the display is barely ever working… it just turns off and it won’t turn back on even tapping it… First I thought it could be some “energy saving” thing but I am getting very frustrated so I will change it… It is cool to see how many calories I burn during the day! And it is interesting to see that it suggests me to eat more than I do… When I’ve seen the amount of calories other “Fitbit” users are “allowed to eat” I am always shocked! The numbers seem so high… I don’t know what to make of that… I really feel I can ever leave the 1200-1400 range because I always seem to only be able to lose weight (very little by the way) in that range… so… we’ll see 🙂

Sunday was a great day and I did good (not great, just good) with my calories and closed my day at 1500 total calorie intake, did walk a little over my required 10,000 steps for the day … today I am working towards ending the day in a lower number for the calorie intake and trust me, it will be hard because I had more than enough calories for lunch!

That’s it for now! Still working, still excited and motivated! 🙂

The Thin Lady Inside