Hello everybody… this is going to be a different post from my earlier one… If you’ve been reading you know that we’ve been sick, sick, sick… it pretty much started in September on our trip to Wisconsin, I came back sick as a dog… (that’s a funny American expression in my mind… is it a bad one? You’ll have to correct me if it is… I just use the expressions I hear… LOL! “sick as a dog” is a funny one… just like “pig in a blanket” as a breakfast item … when I was asked to bring “pigs in blankets” to a breakfast potluck in church I thought “wow, American people eat weird stuff! and they complain about us, Mexicans!” and then I pictured myself chasing a bunch of pigs trying to wrap them with blankets… LOL) Ok… that was a long parenthesis … I am a little random right now… too much caffeine? Maybe!
Anyway… So … I got sick in September, really sick… then hubby followed in October, then my oldest one, then my little one (bad ear infections, poor thing! Fever up to 104.5! Scary!) then I got sick, bad cold, then my little one got sick again, respiratory flu and then I got it… and that takes us to today… today I finally felt better except for some remaining congestion everything else was fine… I went grocery shopping but didn’t even shower… I was feeling totally in the dumps and terrified to even try to get dressed in “normal clothes” KNOWING in my mind I wouldn’t fit in there … not by any chance! So… my “dress style” kept getting worse and worse… raggedy clothes that I am embarrassed to admit I still keep… stained with bleach and all… that’s what I was wearing today… I was just feeling disgusted about myself… then, looking at myself in the mirror with my frizzy hair pointing at all directions, unplucked eyebrows and with red spots around my nose from blowing so often for so long… well… I still wonder how hubby still kissed me good bye every morning… (talk about being married to a godly man!) … But … I knew I was healthy enough to go to the store, so I did… praying to God that I wouldn’t see anybody who knew me and at the same time realizing they would probably not recognize me anyway. Then… I realized tonight is the Premiere for “Catching Fire” (the Hunger Games movie) and my ticket had already been bought a few days (weeks?) ago by my best friend… she called me to ask me if I am ok to go and I said yes (wondering if I could reverse some of the visible damage done to my image out of total neglect and abandonment!) So… just an hour ago I took a long shower, did everything needed to come back to the world where people change their clothes and brush their hair… And then… I started to look for my skinny jeans… even the name terrifies me… I remember buying them knowing that at least I am narrow and have long thin legs and we have to take advantage of our “better” attributes … so… I started to put them on… ready to start fighting, puffing, huffing and sweating… to finally cry in total devastation… But that didn’t happen… I just put them on like usual… I did my hair… my make up and I look… pretty! If I may say so myself! I even smiled like saying “hi! Where were you? I missed you” when I looked in the mirror. And I realize that I still have a long way to go with the way I see myself… with the way my brain makes me see myself… in my mind I was back to 223 pounds all over again… In my mind I had crossed a point of “no return”… In my mind I was the insecure, obese and LOST woman all over again… but I am not that… and I am not planning on getting there… I am wearing my skinny jeans and going to the movies… This was a great wake up call though… I felt strong and like “I got this” just recently… how could I get so far down in just a matter of days? I can’t be over confident… I have to be always watching it to identify the destructive behaviors that have damaged so much in the past.
So… I am going to the movies, the premiere is at midnight and I can’t wait. I look pretty, so pretty that I will pass on the popcorn and the soda. I deserve better.
I am the Thin Lady Inside.