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I’ve been avoiding this…

The following post is probably a big, incoherent rant…. So….

*** Readers’ Discretion is Advised ***

Ok… -sigh- I am in a pit… In a dark hole right now.. Probably it’s the hardest moment of my whole journey and I don’t even completely understand WHY!

I don’t know what happened… I don’t know how it started… I’ve been meaning to write about it here, to vent, to just try to express it all… with the hopes of making some sense of it and hopefully, once everything is out there I can actually move on…

About 2 weeks ago, I set a new goal for myself… I “reached” my goal of losing 3 pounds in a month, I know it’s not a lot, but those are my “realistic” goals, considering the thyroid issues… The day after I set my new goal I had already gained some of the weight back… I took it calmly, I knew it could happen, with a crazy thyroid it can happen… Then… my girls got sick…. going out for a run at 5 in the morning was impossible when you have two girls crying and one of them is sleeping on top of you to get some comfort from the sniffles, etc… So I guess I lost some steam there, then I got sick and even when I wanted to still go run I just couldn’t… it was too much… I think it was more of a sinus infection, I am not sure, but the headaches and pressure right between my eyes and lack of breath were horrible, so there goes some more steam, then once I felt better I actually had THE URGE to run… so I did… my friend and I went back to our morning routine and it felt great to be back… I didn’t gain any additional weight when I didn’t exercise, I was still watching closely what I ate and the calorie numbers… but then my family came to visit… My mom and sister are obese as I used to be… and I don’t know what happened but something snapped in my trying to encourage and motivate (mainly my sister) to lose weight and exercise… it’s like I was drained… how can that be? I guess I am still in no position to encourage anybody… who knows… 4th of July was my dad’s birthday and I made a cake for him… if you had seen me you would’ve been proud… I didn’t have cake… I watched closely what I ate and regardless of how late I went to bed I still went running in the morning… And then… I saw the scale say +1.3 pounds and then I saw it say +2.2 pounds… and I think the whole overwhelming feeling of trying to convince my sister to lose weight, the “empathy” I felt, the putting myself in her shoes and even going “there” to talk about the horrible emotions of helplessness when you are obese and not seeing a way out… combined with the numbers on my scale saying I had gained weight regardless of all my efforts… brought me here… to the hole! It’s been 3 days … 3 days!!! I start my day right, I eat what I should and by the end of my day I’ve eaten like I had been rescued from a desert island! -sigh-

It’s so frustrating! I know it’s all in my head… and I need to shake it all off… but I guess in my head I am still obese.. super obese… because as soon as I eat “something” I shouldn’t or more than I should… I go THERE… in my mind and even on the mirror I can’t help but see a frustrated, defeated, huge human being that just CAN’T do anything about it! And I know that’s not really who I am … and I know that even my eyes are playing tricks on me because I am still far from being as obese as I was… I now should know, my eyes, my mind should know that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for… that I can overcome this and more!

Anyway… Today I called my sister, who, seemed determined to “change her life” … I just “almost without any strength left in me” asked a shy “have you exercised, yet” and she gave me some excuses… I couldn’t even say anything else, I wasn’t going to even try… I realize the best way I can help her is doing it myself… I can’t convince her or force her into something that is so personal, the decision to BE FREE is individual and yes… sometimes we need help but we need to WANT IT and WANT IT BAD…

Today… Today will be different… I have to keep going.. no matter how far my goal seems I KNOW I CAN! I am thankful for the nudge I got via e-mail from my friend and mentor ShadowRun…. I was already planning on writing here… I just didn’t know where to start… her e-mail just “made it happen” and for her, being there for me, putting up with me regardless of my ups and downs, I am THANKFUL! – Thank you all for reading… Thank you for being friends, support, encouragement…

The Thin Lady Inside.

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12 thoughts on “I’ve been avoiding this…

  1. It’s gotta be completely frustrating for you! You ARE incredibly strong to keep fighting through this, and it’s totally understandable that after a while you find yourself in a dark hole.
    Sorry to hear that you and your girls have been sick, but hopefully all is better now and you can get back into routine. Exercising again will at least help you out emotionally – well, it does for me anyway. I always feel better after I’ve exercised, no matter how badly I didn’t want to beforehand.
    Hang in there, TLI.. And don’t feel bad about “ranting” on your own blog. Most of us out here just want to help and encourage.
    Have a great rest of the week! Hope to hear from you again soon!

  2. Ok. I just wrote this big, long comment, and I thought I posted it, but now I don’t see it. 😦

    It went something like this: I totally understand how you can feel like you’re in a dark hole. After all you’ve been through, and all the work you’ve done, you deserve to see results. And then when you get out of your exercise routine, it makes you feel worse, and you start feeling guilty, and then you just want to give up.
    But you haven’t given up, and I’m so impressed by your strength and determination! Keep fighting! And never feel bad about ranting on your own blog. Most of us out here just want to help and encourage you.
    Hang in there, TLI. Hopefully you and the girls are feeling much better now, and you can get back into a routine.
    Have a great rest of the week, and hope to hear from you again soon!

    • It was great to see BOTH comments, they mean a lot! You always know what to say and it’s encouraging to see someone who’s already out of this situation say “you got this” 🙂 thank you so much!

  3. I wish you could like comments and posts – sending you some positive vibes and a big smile to shadowrun300 who said everything I would have said…twice lol!

    You are right too, the best way to inspire someone is to show them how awesome you are! Have a fabulous day, have lots of healthy intentions and follow through with them 😀 You can do it!

  4. I’m sorry you’re feeling so frustrated. You’re right that you can’t give someone motivation. You can, however, get fit yourself and answer questions when others notice the changes and ask about how you achieved your goals.

    I think it’s great you called to check in on if she was able to implement an exercise plan. You are in a position to help! Just avoid words like “yet” or “are you ever” or “too much” — negative/blame words. Maybe you could say you don’t want to force anything on her, or make her feel self-conscious, but how can you help? Would a text asking how her eating went that day be helpful? Would information on exercise be helpful? Is there one thing she could change this week (one less soda a day) that you could help her be accountable for? Even if you don’t need it, maybe ask her to help you be accountable for something. It could help her feel like you guys are a team.

  5. It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed and deflated when you see the scale going in the opposite direction. You already know all of the right things to do and say… you just need to start BELIEVING and that’s no small task. Venting here is probably very good medicine…go ahead and let it all out…we’re all ears and we’re hear to help in any way we can.

    • It’s hard indeed! Especially when my logs have been telling me things like “if every day was like today you’d be 165 pounds in 5 weeks” FOR OVER A YEAR! -sigh- we’ll see when that happens!

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