Hello everybody! The best way I could describe last week is “Stormy” for some reason I felt like dark rolling clouds were forming inside of me… like anxiety and just discouragement… I guess I would’ve never really admitted it, even to myself, when going through it… Something I usually do is just “bottle it all up” even when I am such an expressive an open person… but I guess when you become a MOM (or whatever your role is, being a dad might make you feel the same way) you feel like there’s no time for anything else and you just feel like you just have to keep going! Your family needs you, everywhere I turn I feel like there’s an open hand needing something from me! sippy cups to fill, diapers to change, messes to clean, mouths to feed, clothes to wash, etc… and there’s just no time to stop, take a moment to breath deeply! and forget about the luxury of taking a time to cry! just because you feel like it!
Anyway… I think I probably felt too much pressure, that I put on myself last week, and then, hearing about that baby in India who is being abused, made me feel selfish for even considering the possibility of “feeling down” … the scale didn’t move, I had Bible Studies to go through, sermons to translate, songs to rehearse and on top of it all… I am selling cookies… so I was actually afraid of that! I started panicking when I realized I don’t even have enough space, there’s only one oven, I only had (thank God hubby just bought me more) but I only had 2 baking sheets (and not even the ones I needed) and I committed to making 350 personalized rolled out sugar cookies… the fear inside of me when I realized I might have taken more than I could do… just made me feel like a total failure… I guess it’s all the little things that I don’t complete or that didn’t work out the way I expected and just falling in bed every night with a feeling of “lack of achievement” really caught up with me! But I guess I need to be less “harsh” with myself… Those 350 cookies might not sound like a lot… but see… I had to make 100 yesterday (and one chocoflan cake on Saturday) while still being a mom and wife and going to a birthday party and church… and next week I have to make the rest, 250, while also enjoying a “Valentine’s Banquet”, church, dinner with friends, all the same couple days when I have to make these cookies (and individually wrap them) … so… I think all that contributed to my level of stress! The scale not moving was just “the last straw” I guess… and even when my intention was to not care about it… and be strong… I feel like I gave up for those few days and went full steam into the madness… and started eating more and quit the exercise…
Well… I am just analyzing what happened… to see how I can prevent it… to admit I am not super-woman and give myself a break… I guess I am just venting… and trying to go to the source of my overeating… I know it’s past now… I don’t feel so anxious! It was good to make those 100 cookies and see it’s not “mission impossible” I did it… so bring those 250 extra cookies! I know I can manage! 😀 Plus I am doing it for a good purpose! I want my rowing machine! Right now I’ve saved 55 that hubby gave me +90 for the cookies and cake I made in the weekend +25 I earned from helping a company who needed a translator to do some of their collecting in Spain (it only required one phone call to Spain) + the 120 that I’ll be getting next week from the rest of the cookies! Not bad! I feel “closer” to having my rowing machine and that excites me!
Now… some numbers: Yesterday I didn’t exercise (I just spent my afternoon with the cookies LOL!) but I only ate 1250 calories…
Today… it will go even better! I know it!
Thank you all for being “here” for me!
The Thin Lady Inside