340 + Lots of Scrubbing!

Hello everyone…. I am still at this!

Here are the numbers:

My weight (yesterday) 182.8 (hard to believe I was already 176 at some point but we won’t even go there, right?)

I ate about 1300 calories

exercised on the Balance Board and burned 340 calories

But also cleaned the bathrooms and my oven… so I did lots of scrubbing!

I think it was a pretty good day!

By the way… in my recent blood tests (when they were testing for Lupus and thankfully everything was negative) they checked also my triglycerides … and it turns out I am on the high side… The normal is to have it less than 150 mg and I am at 255 so… yeah… I definitely have to take care of that! I’ll be looking for info on the subject and solutions… I’ll be sharing my findings and my progress too!

By the way… I thought I would share these pictures… It’s a “before and after” and I am very ashamed to show it… but it’s a good motivation to not only keep going but to never want to go back!

The picture on the left is a picture of me on Sunday… The picture on the right is a picture of me on 12/20/2007

So, yes… I am thankfully still confident and feeling … well… obviously way better than before … It’s pretty eye opening to see myself like… well… like the one on the right… I don’t even think I completely realized how I looked… I knew I was obese and tired of it… but only when you see such a drastic difference you see how big (pun intended) the problem was!

So… I am motivated and at full steam here… working hard to be completely free of the extra and unhealthy weight!

The Thin Lady… Inside!

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Identifying Self-Destructive Thoughts!

Hello everybody… I must say I am doing well! Just had my healthy (and big) breakfast! I have to say that I must “have it all” in the morning! You know? And by that I mean that I can’t just eat protein or just carbs because I find myself with more cravings during the day… So I have a very good, big breakfast that includes veggies(zucchini, broccoli, green beans, mushrooms -stuff like that-), 1 egg, 2 slices of low calorie bread, reduced sugar jelly (1 tbsp) and coffee and that way I feel satisfied and it really, really helps me do good during the day!

So.. yesterday I did some exercise on the Wii Balance Board… I mentioned I burned only 230 calories, I had planned to do more but I had to make a cake for hubby’s work… They are having a baby shower for one of the ladies there and he said he’d bring a cake… well… My first cake (due to my trying to do things faster issue) stuck to the pan and I had to make it again…

So here is where the self-destructive thought/behavior kicked in… Let me be just totally open and honest about what happened when I saw that cake completely break and have big chunks of it stuck into the pan… I felt like something just “possessed me” … and that “something” wanted me to eat the whole cake! I could’ve! I AM TELLING YOU! I got so frustrated and upset! But… I wanted to eat it all… in my mind I tried to “rationalize it” and make myself believe it was to avoid “wasting it” but … I realized this was just a lie! There was a deeper issue there… I had the URGE to not “feel bad for the ruined cake” and “peace myself” with the stupid cake! It was incredible… And don’t think that I wanted to slice it and eat it with a fork… I could’ve just buried my face in that horrible, crumbly mess of chocolate cake and eat it all! I even saw myself grab a fistful of cake and it was hard not to stuff my mouth with it! I immediately threw it all in the garbage! that was the only way I would not eat it! Isn’t that crazy? I am glad I didn’t give in (although I did eat some… but I controlled myself and made myself get up, pull myself together and stop the madness!)

Then… once my second cake came out (and I made sure this time I did everything right so it wouldn’t stick)  I worked with fondant… and as you know I’ve only worked with it once before… well… it was just as hard… so I kneaded, kneaded, kneaded, rolled out, kneaded again, rolled out and rolled out again! LOL! not me… but the fondant! So… I think I stood there working on the cake for about 4 hours… the sole of my feet were killing me… and my arms were pretty tired when I finally finished… so I think I got a good work out there too!

Today I am looking forward to burning some calories! Thank you all for reading and encouraging! I’ll now go comment on some blogs!
oh! And Here is the Innocent Looking Cake I made:

The Thin Lady Inside

I need…

First of all Thank you THL and Shadow for being here for me… thanks to my friend Tiffany for always being such a great encouragement… -sigh- I … I am feeling so heavy I won’t even step on the scale… I am scared! I feel this weight on my stomach that wasn’t there anymore… when I sit it’s like it pushes even my lungs… But I need to stop this pity party I have for myself… I just don’t know why I act like if it is going to be “my last meal” … I start the day right but then… I see myself eating and once I see myself eating it’s like I just “give up” I need consistency… I need discipline… I feel so random lately in my mind… like I just can’t get a hold of the reigns of my life… out of control, weird! I am not even going through any “hardship or trial” Praise God… but I am just tired of trying to lose weight! I hate that! I shouldn’t see it like that… I know… but I do get tired of counting calories and making sure I burn them off… I get tired of even thinking about waking up earlier to exercise… so I just don’t … I guess I am rebellious just because it almost feels unfair! But I know it’s just the way it is… I won’t give up… trust me… I have to just get a grip and move on.. whatever I gained I won’t even know… I will just start exercising again… and keep going… whatever this is it will just be a “big bump” on the road and it will be part of my past starting now… If you want to know how you can help… yes… be here for me like you always are… Thank you for reading, thank you for liking, thank you for rating, thank you for commenting… I need all the support I can get… I could cry right now… sorry… emotional fat lady alert! LOL!
Anyway… I promise I’ll get up and recover from this one… Help me stay accountable… the how to lose weight… I pretty much know it… I’ve done it way too many times… and I am scared this is just one of those times when I just gain it all back … the how to stay thin… well… I’ve never done it but I know it’s just persistence… staying active, I know the tricks, I could even teach them but I can’t do them! -sigh- I feel defeated but at the same time I know I can do it… I have to! I truly have to… because of my health… because my triglicerides are to the roof! Because I want to live happy as long as possible and enjoy my girls and play with them instead of being a slow, mopey person that only looks at others live life! It feels great being thin! I wish that feeling was enough to keep me motivated! What in the world is wrong with me that I do the very things that cause me pain over and over again? Well… no need to dwell on that… but if you, reader or friend want to help me… continue being here… for me… you have no idea how much it means… I can’t do this alone, that’s for sure… I created an e-mail address too for this blog… if anybody wants to contact… please, no haters if possible! thinladyinside@hotmail.com
Thanks!

The Thin Lady Inside

Where is the Thin Lady?

I know it’s still inside! …. why is it still inside? Because I’ve been taking over this body for the last few weeks… Yes… it’s lazy, fat me… and I’ve been pretty comfortable here… Plus we’ve been on vacations and I found all of the excuses, too busy, too happy, too sick, too tired, etc…

…. and then…

 Stop… stop taking over… it’s me now… (LOL! It does sound like I have multiple personalities but bare with me… sometimes it just feels like this inside of me… like a fat one and a thin one actually fighting each other… but don’t worry… I do not suffer from multiple personalities)

It’s me… the Thin Lady and yes… I am still inside but I’ll be coming out soon! I know you, fat person… took over for a few weeks but no more… I tried to come back for a few days and then you’d take over again but I must say that it’s only because I LET YOU!… I know I shouldn’t have… it was a mistake… but no more… I am eating right again and yes I feel hungrier than ever… but I know I am not even hungry for real…it’s just that I am craving all this junk food at all times during the day! But I can say NO and I did it today… enough “vacations” and excuses! you are trying to bury me in here forever… you probably even felt you succeeded by adding some pounds over me again but no… those pounds will have to go away! I did great today and I can do it again… It felt great to go clothes shopping today and actually see that the clothes look pretty good if I can say so myself… so that’s the boost I was needing to keep going… right? I sure hope so!

 -sigh-

I wish the battle was easier but nobody said it would be… when I feel like “I got this” then something happens and I fall again into old habits, excuses and temptations! I wish I was really free… But I guess it’s something I’ll deal with forever… not that I don’t enjoy eating healthy…it’s not even that! I Can’t even explain what I feel that makes me eat more and things that I shouldn’t … sometimes my days go great and then all of a sudden at night I am stuffing things in my mouth like if I was angry… it’s all emotional and I don’t even get why! I am a happy person, with a wonderful husband and 2 healthy, beautiful girls… and then I feel this weird rebelliousness inside of me that makes me feel like I should just eat it all… ugh… I hate it! and then the “after the fact” feeling makes me feel even worse…

Anyway… I am sorry for the weird post… I guess I needed to vent

The Thin Lady Inside

Fighting against myself and … winning!

Ah! This morning! If you could’ve gotten inside my head you would’ve probably gone crazy! it’s almost like there are two persons inside of me… the healthy one… yes… the thin lady … and the fat, lazy one! Thank Goodness I won (the thin one! LOL) It was 6:15 and my almost 2 yr. old woke up, just like she always does around that time, and just like I always do I got up, changed her diaper and gave her some warm milk to get some extra sleep, she goes back to sleep right away and I… I try to stay in bed until 9 a.m. … Yesterday I had planned to go running instead of going back to sleep, it seemed an “easy thing to do” but it was 3 in the afternoon when I thought about it… This morning it didn’t seem as doable so when she woke up and I woke hubby up so he goes to work my overweight body took me straight back to bed to get our “extra sleep” … it’s sounding kind of weird and creepy when I put it that way… but do not worry, I don’t hear “other voices” and I don’t have multiple personality, although it almost feels like I do… especially when this fight in my head occurs:

– Lazy Me: I’ll just go run in the evening, when hubby comes back from work

– Thin Me: I should just go now, because I know in the evening I won’t want to! Plus I will want to watch my show and I will end up staying.

– Lazy Me: I am sure I can find some other time to exercise during the day.

– Thin Me: No, I won’t! once the girls are awake how am I going to exercise?

– Lazy Me: I can probably take them to the gym with me, although it says “no children allowed” but maybe I can keep them busy coloring and the almost 2 yr. old in her stroller.

– Thin Me: No, she won’t stay in her stroller and I know it! I need to stop lying to myself! I know I will “kind of try” to exercise if I leave it for later but then I will have “the perfect excuse” to quit it once it doesn’t work because the girls didn’t let me

——– UGH ————-

Thoughts like that were the ones crossing in my mind, it was truly like a dialogue! I realized I was just wasting time and my “guilt” or “good conscience” wouldn’t let me go back to sleep that easy! 15 precious minutes passed with me just closing my eyes trying to sleep while all this “turmoil” was going on inside of me… so in a moment of weakness of the “lazy me” when she thought she almost got me, after all she now also had the “it’s too late now” argument … I just jumped out of bed, quickly changed and went to the gym… My husband, who hadn’t left yet (of course I had to be back before he left) was so shocked when he saw me! I can tell he was happy though, I am sure he realizes how hard it is for me… I felt like the “arguing” inside my head was so loud that everyone could hear it! LOL! So… I went and ran for the 30 minutes I had left before hubby had to go and it felt good!!!

So… I WON!

I guess it’s one battle at a time!

The Thin Lady Inside