Old… very very very old …. That’s how I feel… LOL! …. like a very very very old person… when I am at the gym (with pain in my knees) and just WALKING (I walk fast but just walk) on the treadmill, and I get off the treadmill, slowly and with shaky legs… people look at me like “huh??? really?” (or at least I think so) …. even getting of the treadmill is painful to my knees…. and I feel embarrassed and I even feel like I want to explain… LOL! but … that’s been another excuse in my life… “Shame… embarrassment” that’s always been something else to stop me from doing what I should be doing, and I identified it yesterday… not only in my “exercising” but also in many other aspects of my life… afraid of ridicule, what people think of me, what I look like when doing something, how I am perceived… those thoughts are constantly in my mind and I think I never even accepted it… I come off like a very confident person… you know? But I have to admit I am very insecure… I love being “on stage” and being “the center of attention” many times… which is weird… I would even say “I am a performer” … but at the same time… there are many, many OTHER THINGS that make me nervous, afraid, insecure and I wish nobody would see me! at the gym… I feel like the weakest of all people… not even sure what to wear, how to walk, how to stand or if I am even allowed to “puff” from exhaustion… I wish it was just me in the gym… always… and when there are people around “the hour” seems to last “forever!” but that will not be my case anymore… or at least I won’t “act on that shame” that shame has been part of the reason why my prison (this body) got sooooo big! so my shame grew with it… turning into a vicious circle… of shame…. shame being the cause and the result of it all… -sigh-
Oh! … and speaking about feeling old… it’s weird what’s going on with my body…. when I walk upstairs I LITERALLY HEAR a cracking EVERY single step… right in the middle of my spine… from the bottom to the top of my back… it doesn’t really hurt but it is uncomfortable… weird! I hope it’s a good thing somehow!
Oh! and here are my numbers today:
Yesterday’s weight: 213.0 Today’s weight: 212.4
Not bad! huh?
Today we’ll go to the zoo with a friend! It’ll be a good day… God willing!
The Thin Lady Inside